When Not So Crystal Clear becomes clear. For time I’ve been calling myself notsocrystalclear, through this domain and its pretty much the identity I created for myself online. It’s eye opening to me thats how I saw myself and still do, unclear!
I’ve struggled with my mental health for just over a year and half now. An I say a year and a half because thats around the time it became apparent that all is not well an I needed some sort of help. What exactly was wrong with me, I didn’t know. I’ve not gotten a clear diagnosis till 3 days ago. We knew there was a bit of anxiety in there, and something else. There was something else underlying but it wasn’t Crystal Clear as to what it was. When I say we I’m referring to my GP and myself.
So I was never formally diagnosed as anxious or depressed though I was previously prescribed anti-depressants. I’d say one thing, my GPs(because Ive been to a few) were adamant that therapy was always the way forward. Which I did for a period of time but I got to a stage in my therapy pretty early on where I found it really painful to talk about certain experiences. An so I quit therapy! Yes you read that right, I quit.
Photo by Melanie Wasser
I quit because sometimes its easier to run, smile and pretend its all okay instead of going back to memories you didn’t realise you had suppressed so deep inside that its slowly but surely festering and eating away at your core and manifesting in the most self sabotaging ways at times to name one. I prescribed myself photography and lots of fresh air and if I am being honest, it worked but only for a time. It was just another plaster. Writing has always been my strong point, its always been the way I have been best able to express myself. If you know me well enough, you will know I talk a lot but I say nothing all at the same time, thats coping mechanism number 1 hasn’t failed me to date. Ask yourself this, how much do you really know about me?
3 days ago I had a relapse, looking back, I saw the signs. But as always with me everything has to be black or white no grey areas, so I refused to believe that I was not feeling well. A trait I now know is a symptom of my ailment. I walked out of my job and declared I Quit not because I wanted to but because in that moment that was stressful for me, my mind and my body all at once they both said fight or flight and flight was the option I took. I think for me accepting that I am not well is something that I am struggling more with than I thought I would.
I have always been the bubbly, vibrant chatty one. How can I now be the opposite. Am I ever going to ever feel like me again? My GP and everyone around me seems to think that, Yes I will. But only if I go back to therapy. There are things buried deep in there that needs coming out, things that I thought I probably forgot about but clearly haven’t.
Photo by Stefano Pollio
So this time I am going to try, I am going to take on all the advise and treatment plans recommended because you know what, I am ready to feel like my old self again. Being diagnosed – wraps all my symptoms and traits up in a neat little package, with a little red bow of anxiety. One I know that there is no overnight fix for.
I want to write more, I want to write about my highs and my lows. I want to be more open with myself and the people I care about. I want to express myself, I want to heal and more importantly I want to share. Some days I feel like death and some days I feel like I’ve just submitted the peak of Everest. It’s a clear diagnosis of an ailment that comes with not so crystal clear moments. It’s a long scary road ahead but this is just the beginning. An luckily or unluckily so for whoever dares to read, I’m journaling it all.